Some Things Are Funny

Like my current resume. Please pass it on to any employment opportunities you might know about. (I’ve already had 3 replies, which is great.) Resume follows (please note I’ve not included education or any type of real work history):

Summary of Certifications

- Green Belt, Sho-Rei style Karate
- Sailing License, State of Indiana cc 2003
- National Geographic Society, Member since 2005
- Oxygen Safety Certification
- CPR Certification
- Rank 30, Halo 3, Team Slayer

Summary of Skills
- Amateur Blogger – www.chapstickweekly.com
- Mix Tape Professional
- Quasi Beer Expert and Connoisseur
- Semi-Professional Poet
- Freelance Graphic Designer
- Network and Home Entertainment Consultant
- Free Consultation Participant
- Brainstormer

Past Employment
- Driver for Personal Family Friend (included washing Porsche and going sailing)
- Patient Transporter for St. Vincent Hospital
- Staff Job-Flow Software Administrator for small digital printing company
- Freelance Designer and Writer

Some things are funny like imagining the reality of all the metaphors used in this blog-zine. I mean, seriously.

Like Music Genres. So much depends, it seems, on the name of a genre of music.

Realistically, the genre is often the first point of description. Is this album rock? Is this alternative country? Electric Blues? Or even Adult Alternative Pop-Idol. But, in the endless repeat of “what kind of music do you listen to?” I am still puzzled as to the correct response. Obviously this Chapsticked effort of mine here has a severe electronic lean (or lien.). But does that pinch me into a situation of a solo electronic listener?

I’d prefer to think that my canned answer of “just good music” can hit a mark that naming off a few genres cannot. I also prefer to think that, just perhaps, the area of electronified music is the area where the most new, innovative material can be found.

The much appreciated singer/songwriter genre contains many of today’s poets and prophets, and certainly emerging in hiphop commonly are performers who are coming to be defined as the new age of Bob Dylans, speaking directly about the common state.

All the same, the largest consistency of compelling releases and innovation in music appears to be coming directly out of the wall outlet, into a myriad of electronic equipment. This makes sense, seeing that our recent history is marked by great strides and advances in electronics.

The merging of popular genres back into a single “pop” umbrella seems to be approaching, for simplicity. I mean, let the specialty genres carry the specialty names. In the mean time, I am going to stick with the idea of “just gimme somethin’ good!”

Like Irony! Not long ago, I posed a question to you readers: can good music supercede the bad choices that people generally make on JukeBoxes in an user-oriented, on-demand information age?

Well, the answer is leaning yes, it appears, thanks to new efforts from Beck. Text messages to 40411 with “Beck” have yielded responses that tell you where to go download his pre-released tracks onto local jukeboxes!

Could this possibly herald the dawning of a new age of jukebox promotions, dramatically increasing the viability of the user-oriented, open-access music selection process that actually yields decent tunage?

A thought has stirred in my imagination of hundreds of music zealots, filling jukeboxes with music pre-releases, creating new sound atmospheres at local venues and allowing for great music to stem out of the popularly selected.

Like jumping up and down at concerts. I write this at the risk of sounding old. In the sense of old beyond my young years.

Floorboards creaking underneath, the Double Door’s long-awaiting appearance of Crystal Castles was greeted with urgency only the most eager Chicagoan (rhymes with Obiwan) could dish out. Everyone, at the cue of some unseen beehive-pheromone signal, immediately negotiated for a prime position near the stage: this is where jumping up and down is the most enjoyable and effective.

Jumping also allows you to really impress the ladies. The higher you jump, the more vigor and emotion you put into it, really shows the duality of athleticism and sensitivity that the modern young woman can really appreciate.

This poses both a moral and philosophical conundrum: was House of Pain right?

Like finding any music on YouTube! I can be stubborn, headstrong, whatever. What comes with this, among many ill things, is that your mind closes down a bit, limiting accepted input, and stifling the great music you can hear on…YouTube.

Ronald Jenkees, from nearby Kentucky, is a peculiar, mole-looking, late-twenties guy, who is unnervingly graceful at the keys. Through a webcam perched at the end of his full-length, full-throw keyboard, we see him bobbing his head to each next creative beat, playing extraordinary configurations of melodies with a range of voices and effects.

I can’t believe the dexterity with which he approaches playing this music! His glass-bottle glasses magnify how much he must be nearly blind, but this cannot take away from the obvious happiness he has found with the ability to share his music.

Side Note: It is for once, heartening, to see something like this surface on YouTube. This man is obviously not good looking, nor is he blessed with a silver tongue. But, somehow, he rose to the top of the YouTube pile. The only explanation is that his music brought him to where he is now. And that is something.

This is one thing I have been coming back to, watching, on impulse, several times a day. His self-titled album would have never been near my peripheral if it hadn’t been for his posting on YouTube.

So, as he ends each of his small videos, “Hello YouTubes, that was too much fun. Thanks for listening.”

We all have them. Don’t deny it. Here is the first ever! Chapstick Weekly Self-Help Solo Dance Party Tips and Tricks Recommendations and Techniques List!

1. Always dance with your eyes open.
What is closing your eyes going to do? You might run into something besides. It is good practice to have your eyes open, in case you decide to muster up the courage to dance in front of other people. You don’t want it to look like you’re on drugs, or that you are picturing making out with yourself.

2. Make a serious face. Really serious.
This makes you look more serious.

3. Try to wear what you would ordinarily wear.
It is a romantic thought that you would dance around in your underwear, or bare foot, or in a snow suit, but really. Stripping by yourself is silly, a stubbed toe is dangerous, and you’ll quickly overheat in a snowsuit.

4. Take risks that might get you caught dancing by yourself.
Like leaving the door unlocked after you have invited guests over. I have tried this a lot, and no one has ever really thought it was weird for me to be dancing by myself.

5. Try dancing to a Chapstick Weekly Mix.
That’s why they are there, dummy! The songs may inspire you to move in an unexpected way.

6. Don’t move your arms so much.
Everyone remembers the Elaine. Even more so, arm movements generally are a lazy way of dancing. Once you eliminate the arms, moving everything else becomes much more important. Then you can really get down to business.

7. Name your dance moves.
If you feel like you look like some sort of exotic animal, the name will probably be appropriate. Other name suggestions include: out-of-date appliance brand names, city street names, former vice presidents, and backyard game items.

8. One thing to Note:
Once you are a stage performer, I encourage you to break all these rules. Where would we be if frontmen didn’t dance in snowsuits, smiling, eyes closed, with their arms outstretched like they are a four-year-old make believing they are an airplane?

In summary, a wise man once told me, “If it feels good, do it.” And that’s all she wrote! For your dancing!

Let me rant for a moment, if you will. Or just let me continue ranting.

So I went down to the local place of Spin Nightclub in Indianapolis. They are full of the revival of the Indianapolis local music scene. If it can be called such a thing as revival, as my memory doesn’t extend backwards far enough to remember a thriving local scene.

I also went the Slippery Noodle, where, as far as I have noticed it, pace has never gone slack in providing live music to Indianapolis.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really make it a habit of hanging out at either place often.

The scenes are utterly different. You’ve got your Indie Rock/Junior Hiphop/Bad Punk/Old Favorite Local Bands From A Happier Era/Open Mic thing going on at Spin. Then you’ve got some Blues going on at Slippery Noodle.

The technical music talent at Slippery Noodle looks to be much better. By much I mean head and shoulders knees and toes better. The typical musician’s range of blues knowledge and skill allows them to skate seamlessly through Allman Brothers and Stevie Ray Vaughan songs. Slide guitar, complicated solos, band chemistry, and other crucial elements make the music good every night here. And you may not hear one original tune all night.

The opposite, in its extreme, exists at Spin. There is rarely anything that jumps out at you as extreme technical skill, innovative solos, band chemistry, etc. Just local bands playing their original songs. And by original I mean songs they wrote that are not usually that original anyway. Songs that sound like everyone else’s other songs. Same lyrical topics, same uninspired 4-bar verse chorus verse chorus bridge chorus. Same slowed-tempo drum-clanging musical-cacophony ends to every song that sounds the same as each last one.

The best musical nights at Slippery Noodle are the ones where they play blues favorites. That’s easy. Playing good original music is in most ways much harder.

The best musical nights at Spin still are the ones where bands are brought in that aren’t exactly local anymore. What is lacking in the local talent? What separates the original new bands from the old ones?

In my opinion it is music innovation, all the same. You want to write new songs? Well, write them like the new songs that are having success. Play the freaking keyboard (I didn’t see one keyboard between three bands the other night at spin). In fact, play anything electronic. That’s where the world is headed, in terms of new music.

I don’t mean change your f***ing name to Paul Oakenfold and get your tongue pierced. I mean, mix it up a bit and get some sort of loop machine, effects panel, sampler, delay pedal, something, and incorporate it into your music. It doesn’t even have to sound that electronic. A keyboard would probably do it!

The all-conventional-instrument bands play traditional forms of music. Traditional forms like blues, folk, and rock & roll. Indie has embraced electronic instrumentation. Harsh but true.

I’ve mentioned over 35 bands in these 3 newsletters. Everyone has something electronic going for them with the exception of 1. Sammy Hagar and 2. Colin Meloy Sings Live. Let’s admit Sammy Hagar, reborn today, would not be able to play anywhere. Colin Meloy sings just he and his guitar.

People included are such as Bob Dylan, Paul Simon, and Ray Charles who used the maximum amount of technology available to them to record and play music. Others include top downloaded Hot Chip, top iTunes rated Ghostland Observatory, Radiohead, red-hot Tokyo Police Club, and everyone else!

Why? Because even if you’re not into electronic music, using the latest available technology to produce music is a requirement of the times. The only exceptions are if you are bursting at the seams with talent, in which case, you are probably going to be playing complex blues covers at the Slippery Noodle.

That’s that. Play something with buttons, keys, and knobs. Or fade away into mediocrity. Rant over.

Here is a dirty confession: I downloaded Sammy Hagar from iTunes. I am consistently listening to it daily. There is something decadent to thinking about large breasts and head banging to my soul’s content.

There is a picture of Sammy in a boxing ring, red, oversized codpiece included, on the iTunes artwork. Is Sammy Hagar a sexy bastard? I’m assuming that its undeniably so. He is the current embodiment of the less extreme, more acceptable type of debauchery that people have come to accept as “Heavy Metal.”

Also on the soundtrack was music from Devo, and those bad-asses, The Blue Oyster Cult. We all know these guys know how to rock! Right? Can I get the pinky and first finger symbol and some head nodding?

Probably not until you are desperate enough to get yourself stoned off of cat urine (see Southpark episode “Major Boobage”) would you really think you could rock out to Devo. Even so, the super-straight, super-conservative heavy metal-ers out there would never get close to a cat’s genetalia. This is ironic, in the whole irony sense of the word.

The genre dilution that happened with Heavy Metal is embodied by this soundtrack. Commercial Capitalism at its finest! Thank you Southpark for introducing me!

You know, right now. At this very moment. That I am writing. “Bob Dylan – Mr. Tambourine Man” is the #3 YouTube rated video. How does stuff like that happen? It seems like news pushing news pushing pop culture is a swirling porcelain fiasco where nothing really advances.

I mean, I went and saw Bob Dylan play this summer. It was awful. If I hadn’t been with my family, I would have left. Him being awful now, doesn’t quite speak to his majesty during the great years, obviously. That sort of backwards logic doesn’t work on me, so don’t even think about giving me the Catholic guilt.

He was awful and that’s that.

Bob Dylan received a special citation for “his profound impact on popular music and American culture, marked by lyrical compositions of extraordinary poetic power.” That impact has come and gone. The only impact he is having on young artists now is finding a second career before they turn 70.

What impact is he having now? The #3 Youtube download. In association with his Pulitzer mention, Bob Dylan rises to the top of Youtube with one of his most over-played, easily-interpreted lyrics.

Is anyone else finding this to be crazy? I am. I mean, the song was used in Dangerous Minds as an example. Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, bring me some drugs because that’s what the kids are into.

The true influence here: don’t make anything too hard to understand. If you do, you may get respect for it, and a mention in a Pulitzer Prize ceremony (although he didn’t win anything). But you will be most well known and remembered by your barely-masked drug references

Side note: On Youtube, #2 is “amazing guitar player” (I’m not even going to watch that, although I’m now very tempted to. Someone watch it and let me know if it’s worth my time).

Side note: Sark (European Island) abolished the last remaining feudal system in Europe. This is ironic, if you think about it.